Reviews For Part of the Team
You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: el_rooto Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: November 18 2014 4:01 PM Title: Part of the Team

After Casanova's comment I really don't know what else I could write here... bravo!

Reviewer: Casanova Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: February 05 2014 9:14 AM Title: Part of the Team

Another fantastic story, Kaneda. As you said above, I think you're spot on about the dynamic between the girls. They each have their own distinct personality, and their interactions enliven the standard shrinking scenario. Additionally, I found the scenario you created to be so lifelike; the main character's shifting emotions -- mild trepidation to outright terror -- felt so real and immediate to me. I found myself wondering how I, personally, would react given the same situation, and even though I love to read about shrunken people being abused by female feet, I actually found myself rooting for the protagonist.

My above thought brings me to my next point, which isn't so much a criticism as an extension of your scenario. I recall early on in the story that the protagonist had tried to call out to others for help, but they ignored her, presumably out of fear. This part of the story seemed a bit implausible to me, only because I thought surely someone would do something. There was no indication that the three girls had god-like powers aside from the ability to shrink someone, and even that was based on the necklace. Essentially, they were normal people with a shrinking trinket. Anyway, I assume that each of the other teammates had been shrunk and abused, but I feel that any reasonable person would rally all of the other victims in some way. Alerting authorities may not work because of the fantastical nature of their accusations, so I feel like the victims would simply overpower them with sheer numbers, seeing as how they aren't shrunk at the time. As for our protagonist, after her experience, perhaps she would move to another state or something. I suppose my misgiving boils down to this: based on their total lack of subterfuge, it seemed like they must have cowed the entire school -- a feeling that the final scene reinforced. Assuming that the three girls lacked any other powers, I feel like someone, anyone, would've brought a gun to school or something and taken them out.

Ultimately, I think the scenario works perfectly fine as is because the inexplicable fact that no one will help adds to the horror of the situation. One could easily rationalize that perhaps the critical mass of victims or abuse had not been reached, and soon the devilish trio in question would receive their comeuppance. In any case, I was too caught up in the outstanding pace and action of the story to think about this tiny detail for more than a second. I really look forward to all of your pieces, not only for the great foot content (totally-selfish-aside-that-should-be-ignored: I wish the foot licking part was a bit longerrrrr), but also for great writing as well.



Author's Response:

Once again, I have to thank you earnestly for your detailed feedback and praise.  I tried a lot of new things with this story and I'm very delighted to hear that you enjoyed it so much.  It's still not easy for me to write for victims, especially from the first-person point of view, as I'm much more accustomed to focusing on the dominant girls.  As for the dynamic with the school, the way I imagined it is that the three girls are intensely dominant, but their methods for manipulating and controlling the other students vary as needed.  Sometimes they bully them, sometimes they intimidate or shame or pressure them socially.  Every once in a while, they shrink someone and really show her where she belongs.  The girls aren't always as cruel as they were with the narrator, but their experience has given them keen instincts as for what they can get away with.

I also appreciate your point about the foot licking, even though you do suggest that it's a selfishly-made point.  I find the scenarios and building towards them to be the most exciting part of my work, but that does tend to leave me lacking a bit when it comes to describing the details of some of the more climactic moments.  I definitely could have added more to that particular moment and I think many people would have enjoyed more action there.  I'll try to keep your (adorably selfish) desires in mind as I work on my next project. 

Reviewer: AdamX Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: February 01 2014 12:33 PM Title: Part of the Team

Am I permitted to humbly ask for more?

Author's Response:

On DeviantArt and Twitter that idea has come up because I really do love the dynamic between these girls.  I think it would be fun to explore the scenario when Kristen actually gets what she's been promised or perhaps Nicole exploring the use of her necklace out on her own.  We'll see, it certainly won't be too soon as I do have other ideas I want to work on.

You must login (register) to review.