Date: August 07 2013 6:21 PM Title: Relativity
This chapter seemed to move a much quicker pace than the previous chapter. I would take a bit more time on characterization. It also would be nice to get a bit more description of whats going on.
The opening sequence was a bit confusing at first. I understood what you were doing, it was just a bit hard to follow and felt a bit out of place.
I was hoping we could find out how it felt for the protagonist to be balled up in the lint ball, and how it made him feel. A bit of anguish and struggle for him to free himself
The scene where you had the younger sister pick up the sock seems like a scene of wasted potential. As it would have been nice to get more ground level view of protagonist going from the sock to her nose. The humility of being stranded in the sock and further degradation of his humanity as he's stuck to the nose.
I don't want you think i'm not enjoying the story. As so far I really like what you are doing and where you are going. I really hope you continue this as there is alot of potential here. I can't wait for your next chapter. The idea of being trapped in a nose is rather unique.
Author's Response:
You make some excellent points. I think I got to focussed on trying to move the story forward and let characterization and description fall to the side somewhat. I might do an edit tonight after work, or press ahead taking the advice on board. either way, thank you for your advice. ^^
As gor the dream sequence, I added yhat on a whim, and hoped that the change of perspective from third to first person would give a kind of cognitive dissonance, cluing the reader into th fact that someyhing was wierd. In hindsight it does seem to be hard to grasp. Its all learning.