Date: July 31 2013 5:56 PM Title: Prologue
My god man...
This was really a great read, even though Drew deserves what he got in the end. (He did bring it on himself, afterall.) You cannot help but feel sympathy for the poor guy, especially in the epilogue, where he lives out a fate worse then death. Great tie in of McCreary, it induces a sense of jelousy in the reader that is quite pungent...
If any of you have not read the story, or finished I suggest looking away from this spoiler.
His death was quite potent, the whole story works so well to magnify that very instant when he realizes he is going to die, polishing the shoes he is crushed under too is quite a nice touch. All in all, sometimes when I read your stories, I feel like an ant being fried under a magnyfying glass, you manipulate the emotions of your readers quite well.
Fucking McCreary indeed.
Date: July 30 2013 3:12 PM Title: Prologue
what a bitch, using him and abusing him all those years just to kill him b/c she was bored. oh well. her being a bitch was part of what made this story awesome.
[Report This]Date: July 21 2013 7:40 PM Title: Prologue
It seems like this entire world that you've created is full of giant douchebags, I thought that the guy woulda at least been a little worried about Drew, I mean he's still a human. But whatever, Im sure there are plenty of people like these in real life. Great Story BTW.
[Report This]Date: July 14 2013 6:36 PM Title: Prologue
Really enjoying the methodical pacing of this story. It has a nice slice of life feel to it as most of the activities revolve around things that jessica would normally do. It's not the usual glorified fetish fanfare of lick my feet or ass, etc.
looking forward to chapter six.
Date: July 11 2013 9:02 PM Title: Prologue
"Even the few people he had met that were into video games and table top gaming weren't looking for a new DM. The few friends he had made kept trying to get him to try out dumb systems like Vampire or Shadowrun. Drew just wasn't interested in that dumb shit. He wanted Paladins slaying Dragons, and Wizards exploding Orcs with fireballs.
Drew wanted what he was used to."
You know, it is not every writer that can convey the turmoil of a major life change, through exploding orcs, well done. look forward to digging into this story with a fork and a knife, because it seems prime so far.
[Report This]Date: July 09 2013 6:48 PM Title: Prologue
I'm enjoying this story, with a few reservations. These, above all:
1) Your character prides himself on his uniqueness/intelligence/quirkiness, but is clearly no different, at bottom, from the jocks (& while we're at it, why is it always the jocks?) who bullied him in high school. There's no doubt in my mind that if he had the power, he'd use it in exactly the same way as those who beat him up and humiliated him. So he comes off as nasty, woman-hating & self-deluding. Also: "Salinger and Hemingway!"
2) I think you're a writer who's competent (and insightful?) enough to understand that a girl's first reaction on seeing -- and not only spotting, but recognizing -- a shrunken man, in nature, would include feels of deep and profound shock. If she's human, she would be unsettled. In your story, she reacts in the regular storybook way, still: she's mildly surprised, and then rolls him up in her sock. Typical. And she does this because he was a snaily, perverted little stringy, scrawny-armed teenager-tutor when she knew him at his normal size. The suspension of disbelief here, for me, is two miles high.
You're probably capable enough to take this story to a higher level. In any case, I think it's your best one -- though I think your range is too limited, and you're over-specializing in the old high school & college scenarios. For your next story, maybe choose something a little out of the way (you're probably a guy in his early or mid-twenties, so it makes sense that you're fantasizing about the world you just left or are living, but whatever, just my 2 cents).
[Report This]Date: July 07 2013 6:50 PM Title: Prologue
I'm a big fan of your previous stories, especially "A Fine Day for Chelsea," so I was really excited to see you posted a new one. I have to say your characterization is as strong as ever: both Drew and Jessica are people any of us could know in real life, and there's never a question about motivations or attitudes as the story progresses. Your writing is really evocative, but it also is very appropriate, if you get my meaning. The diction and descriptions match extremely well with the limited third-person narrative -- not an easy thing to do.
My only misgiving is that the pacing might be a little slow; but on the other hand, if the story ends up being anywhere near the length of "A Fine Day for Chelsea," then it's not a problem at all. In fact, it's a bonus because I love reading your stories and the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned. I very much hope that this one turns into another epic.
Overall, this is another fantastic start, which I'm sure many of us have come to expect from you. Thanks for your contribution, and I can't wait until the next chapter!
P.S. I think "Unforseen" in your title is misspelled. Isn't it "Unforeseen?" =D