I'm interested in this, but it reads like you've just discovered the dictionary. Cut down on your adjectives (zaftig and pious stuck out as particularly unnecessary) because they detract from the message you're trying to get across, don't just start random threads and then abandon them, and find another way to say orifice.

Of course, if you've decided you are going to write this as a parody I'll happily retract my critique and ignore it from here on out.

I must say, some of the plot sounds like a parody of GTS/feet stories ("the principal is a woman between 25 and 45 as most of them are") so I'll wait to see just how tongue-in-cheek this story turns out to be. Does the protagonist encounter either tongue or cheek during his adventures?