Date: June 21 2013 9:50 AM Title: A Day at Work
I'm ecstatic to see such uniquely characterized and developing female characters in such a well written story! :3
Given the nature of the story thus far I won't be expecting much out of any male characters that might be introduced, but Kayla, Sabrina and Emilia are all very interesting and promising characters.
This is imressive writing, and a uniquely characterized female seems to be a struggling point in the vast majority of stories, so I'm excited to see where this leads!
Date: June 21 2013 7:15 AM Title: A Day at Work
When it comes to the tea mug I was just surprised by the part of "I took the mug with a smile and sipped it." - no concerns or criticality, I mean.. the guy just insisted on dating her, not to mention that it's not necessarily a customary thing to do (haven't ever seen anyone offering somebody coffee or tea in office like that).
I understand that he most likely wants to (spoilers, probably), I don't think it was the most robust way to kick off the story - that's all. But of course it's just a detail - and don't worry about it, just keep in mind there's at least one reader that cares about such things (I could point out more, but... yeah, I suppose it's not that critical to the developments).
As for the "forgiving and docile" - I must have built up a slightly different perception of Kayla after reading both chapters: somewhat more decisive and assertive, perhaps even a tiniest bit cocky - especially after the thoughts on her boss and dad, then rejecting the "just coffee", I mean, she could have been convinced by that.
Again - no worries, she seems consistent enough to be believable and I'm sure we will understand her much better in the next chapters :>
As for the gorillas - I didn't know You meant to write a documentary about nature - although not necessarily in their normal habitat, I suppose ;>
Date: June 21 2013 1:29 AM Title: A Day at Work
Well, Your other story is utterly worthless so far - the girls behave like crack-addict gorillas only just signed up for rehab and the guy is simply a doll. Without proper context and reasons for such sadistic actions, they are meaningless. Not to mention that You've already broken all his bones...
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind some good violence, but it must have a point - and the 'stream ..' is just completely devoid of anything like that. Well, it has tons of mindless action, of course, but nothing meaningful.
This one has a lot of potential, it seems. I liked the introductions a lot so far, not much to add, really - maybe just several small remarks:
1. I'm not sure if You are ignorant about it or just trying to make her seem dumb, but alleles don't work like that - a child of two parents with brown eyes and dark hair can be blue/blond, but chances of that are fairly small (something like 1/8 or 1/16 for both at most, if I recall correctly, assuming she was not a result of inbreeding - but that's not "extremely rare").
2. I always thought "jailbait" meant something a bit different... Also, is it just my ignorance or is everything in the world turns to sex whenever I'm not looking? I mean, come on.. at 17 she should be out of puberty already... Not to mention that Kayla's frustrations and insecurity about her feminineness is just.. annoying.
3. I think it would be better not to add any more categories - it breaks the discovery when new readers are starting to go through it. I mean.. it doesn't matter for porn, but stories with an actual plot... You know, spoilers are bad in general.
4. Hmm, is this what a sexual harassment looks like? I mean.. I've never seen anything like this in the real world.. or perhaps it's just my ignorance again. Also when it comes to Kayla's family - her emotions seem too rebellious for that age, but then maybe it's just my logical thinking - especially how I've been financially independent since I was.. fifteen? I don't know, just random thoughts - and of course she may have reasons for behaving like that and they simply weren't explained yet - so no worries.
5. A mug of tea as a consolation gift from her boss? Seriously? The rest of the day off might be reasonable, but.. to accept it just like that? I mean, a convenient plot device most likely - especially coupled with the story description, but... come on - You can do better than that!
6. And finally, does she need the money so much that she is willing to ignore the crazy behaviors in the office? Especially coming from several co-workers at once. I mean.. I don't know in what decade the story is positioned, but if it's modern times then... it's not eighties anymore and surely it wouldn't look nice on her resume, but a harassment suit would be far worse for her boss - I'm sure they would figure out a reasonable way to terminate her employment with a decent letter. I'm not sure about the lowly paid jobs, but that's what I would envision a real world person would do. Of course I understand she is 17, but seriously.. doesn't she read newspapers or watch tv? I don't know.. use internet for anything other than porn?
All in all, seems great - the side characters are plainly (perhaps it's even too obvious) as a background for her future ventures (dominative co-worker, indulgence-demanding boss, lovable girlfriend, sadistic sisters, caring mother, indifferent father) and they will surely make nice descriptions, but...
I hope You have something more interesting planned plot-wise, because those things already seem too simple - and Your descriptions are definitely great and everything, just... You can do better than some cheap porn! There is not much that would suggest such turn in near future, but I've already seen too many promising stories being reduced to that for no apparent reason...
It would really feel terrible to witness such decline happening to something actually deep and well-thought.
Thanks for writing this and looking forward to the next chapters,
Maybe they ARE crack-addict gorillas! ;O
1. Well, it was partly to make her seem no completely informed (not necessarily dumb, don't jump to such conclusions), and partly because I like to keep things relatively simply explained on a scientific level. This isn't a biology lesson.
2. Lots of characters annoy me, but that doesn't mean they're not good characters. It doesn't even mean I dislike them, it just means they annoy me.
3. Well, seeing as I added 'butt' just because Sabrina grabbed Kayla's butt, I don't think it should be too much of a spoiler.
4. Sexual harassment comes in many, many forms. And yeah, making some assumptions there; like her rebelliousness is just a product of being at 'that age'. Hopefully you'll enjoy the story explanations there.
5. Sometimes I think I explained something well in the story, but I did a crap job of it. A mug of tea is NOT a good consolation gift. Kayla, however, is very forgiving and docile. Doesn't mean she's shy, just hates conflict. For her, a mug of tea is enough. Aaaand hopefully I'll get to the point where I can do better than that ;D
6. Again, lots of assumptions. I could tell you, but then I'd be giving you information that hasn't been released yet in the story. She's not doing it for the money though. And she loves her crazy friend, so that's not a problem for her.
Thank you so much for the review, it really means a lot to me :). Perhaps I'll surprise you with the side characters, and the future of the story in general. Maybe not, but I hope so. Thanks for reading! :)
Date: June 19 2013 4:46 AM Title: Her Daily Route to Work
This is deeply emotional. I really felt sad for Kayla, as she discribes, and downgrades herself and her appearance. Then in contrast, discribing Emilia as if she were the most beautiful girl ever born....
Hating God and calling her father a prick, was revealing an inner hatred of herself, I think, and just rebeling against any authoritative figure that is in her life. The 'Love' that she feels toward her girlfriend is discribed 'brilliantly', leaving little to imagine that didn't tantilize and arouse (very erotic).
I'm curious to see where this is going, and it's very easy to read, and get caught-up in!
Keep Going! I like it....
Thank you so much! It means a lot to me to receive such positive feedback on ANYTHING I write. It also helps a lot when people can point out things that I can only hope they see, such as the emotional parts. Hope you enjoy reading the rest of it!