Reviewer: Stubbornstain Signed [Report This]
Date: April 29 2013 4:27 PM Title: Chapter 1

 

I really like the start, and the descriptive language. The characters are great and even made me chuckle. There were some bits (sentences) which I felt could be changed though. I don't want to go into too much detail because I tend to go on and on, and my review would be awfully long. One thing that would be good is to have the speech of the characters on separate lines, which will make your story easier to follow.

There are a few mistakes, such as here where the sentence is missing words:
Our truck travelled twenty six miles into the depths of the hot Nevada desert I remember how hot it was that you could fry an egg on the golden sand!
I think you meant:
 Our truck travelled twenty-six miles into the depths of the hot Nevada desert - I can't remember how hot it was, but it was hot enough that you could literally fry an egg on the golden sand!

Dashes can function in much the same way as commas, and also be used in place of brackets/braces. Commas can work like brackets/braces in places too, and can be a good alternative. Grammar is complicated but you seem to be on the right track. The only major thing about your story how long some of the paragraphs are. Each paragraph should be a series of linked sentences - one, maybe two, ideas, that bind the sentences together.

Reviewer: vel100 Signed [Report This]
Date: April 20 2013 1:35 PM Title: Chapter 1

Great start for a first time contributor! I am definately looking forward to where this story is going; Plus I prefer mega giantess stories :)