Reviewer: Stubbornstain Signed [Report This]
Date: October 04 2015 1:16 PM Title: Better than a dream come true.

At the start of this chapter, you tell us about Tess's mini skirt and face, but not about her top. I don't think you described how tall Chris is compared to Tess either. Also it's “blonde” if it's female not “blond”. Silly I know.

 

Also, remember to put the speech on separate lines. It'll make your story easier to follow that way. You've got the speech mixed up with the description.

 

I feel like this story might turn out to be similar to the story “Don't Talk to Danielle”. It probably has some key differences though. If I was Chris I would have no let Tess take control of me. Chris is weak both mentally and physically it seems but hopefully I'll turn out to be wrong. Both characters seem likable.

 

Here: “So your a wise guy aren't you.

 

It's: You're, as in you are instead here.

 

Here:“Your a breath taking beauty Tess.”

Again: You're

 

Here: he need's to

Random unnecessary apostrophe.

 

Same here: Chris get's up and says