[Report This]Date: October 31 2014 3:33 AM Title: Anakins so called "Savior"
One BIG thing that both chapters are missing. DETAIL. Tell us if the slimy fell of Padme's clit. Of the bone crushing pain of being under her stinky foot. Now on the flip side, don't use too much detail. We don't need to know how many bits of dirt are on her foot, or how many folds her pussy lips have. The happy meduim between too little and too much can be hard to find, but I trust that you'll find it. Keep writing. Keep imporving.
Date: March 04 2013 10:05 PM Title: Anakins so called "Savior"
Just try not to take things so fast.
[Report This]Date: July 17 2012 3:52 PM Title: Anakins so called "Savior"
I know this is your first story but here are some suggestions. One is that you need to take your time and think about what your writing. Also that the story needs more detail. When he is being tortured you should add his feelings and her feelings. Also add why she is doing the stuff to him. If you work on the story it could be pretty good.
Author's Response: I will try thanks for telling me
Date: July 17 2012 2:33 PM Title: Anakins so called "Savior"
Hi welcome to giantessworld (I take you're an giantess so I'm not going to be too harsh, not that I like being harsh anyway),
It's a good start actually and it's good that you've remembered the "é". I do have some suggestions.
Here:
"I wonder where Anakin is?" Anakin heard loudly.
Instead of "Anakin heard loudly." "a female voice boomed" sounds better. However, don't be afraid to use the word "said". Using adjectives too often to describe speech can be a bad thing.
"Anakin got cut off." you should change that to "Anakin said before he was cut off" and then put Padamé speech on the next line. It makes your story easier to read basically. I know your story is quite short now, but it's a good habit to get into.
Hopefully you'll come back an write more, because the more we write the better we get. Reading is a good way too.
[Report This]Date: July 17 2012 12:05 PM Title: Anakins so called "Savior"
I disagree with the review below me. This story can go whatever way you want it to go. It's fan fiction after all. My biggest critique would have to be that you're rushing this story. Spend more time describing what's going on. For example, when he was eaten by Padme what was it like? How did it smell? How long was he in the for? What was it like inside her "pussy"? Take your time with the story. It's hard for the reader to get into the story and picture what's going on when the author isn't offering enough description. This story has a lot of potential and I think it could become one of the most read on this site because let's face it, almost everyone knows star wars. I just think maybe you should rewrite the first chapter. Even of you end up having to split it into two chapters I think it would get you more readers and higher ratings.
Date: July 17 2012 11:28 AM Title: Anakins so called "Savior"
Really? Star wars? At least make the characters act the same way in the movie. There in love and they don't hate each other
Author's Response: This is my story an this is the way I want it to be. I don't criticize your story.