Reviews For Birthday Suprise
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Reviewer: jacksmith5996 Signed starstar [Report This]
Date: November 06 2011 1:28 PM Title: Happy Birthday!

not to put salt in the wound or anything, but you don't seem to have listened at all to the valid points that have been made in these other reviews. someone telling you what to put in your story and how to tell it is one thing and shouldn't be listened to, but in this case there are certain standards that make work worth reading when upheld, and when it's this messy, i'm sorry to say, it's not particularly worth reading. keep at it.

Reviewer: F_G_F Signed starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: November 06 2011 10:12 AM Title: Happy Birthday!

It seems like you have a good start to a good concept.  I agree with ArtimusG that you could police up your story to make it easier to read.  

If I may add a few recommendations as well, I suggest that you take the time to describe your characters in greater detail.  Sarah is a overweight, but is she just a few extra pounds or is she big girl?  What color is her hair?  Eyes?  What about Zack?  How old are these people?  

All this information helps you set the scene.  Show the reader, don't tell them.  Artimus already touched on that.  

Also, the flow of the story was rough.  Try to keep conversations concentrated together, interspersed with descriptive text.  The descriptions in between help alert the readers that the story has progressed from the kitchen to other rooms in the house, etc.  It was extremely hard to follow as written.

You should take the time to check out the "writing tools" section.  There are a lot of good ideas up there that apply to any writing, from writing on this site to writing your term paper for class!  

Lastly, I see that this is your first story and that you've been a member here for almost a month.  Let me just say "welcome" and encourage you to keep at it.  A lot of the readers/writers here are eager to help each other out with ideas and writing tips.  If you need help, just ask!

Reviewer: ArtimusG Signed starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: November 06 2011 8:04 AM Title: Happy Birthday!

Just finished reading, you've got potential, but here's a few tips.

1. Grammar/Spell Check - No reason not to use it.  Microsoft Word does a great job of making sure your writing looks good.  Write your whole story, spell/grammar check it, then copy and paste the final product into the form to upload your stories.

2. New Speaker = New Paragraph - If you have a conversation in your story, each time a the person who is speaking changes, you start a new paragraph. Putting more than one speaker in a paragraph can get confusing.

3. Story flow - Try to be a little more fluid with how you tell the story.  Don't go off on a tangent in the middle of a paragraph that is a completely different idea.  Giving us history on the characters is a good idea, but it doesn't belong in the middle of a paragraph describing things that are currently happening.  It's distracting.

4. Description - If Zack was almost 'killed in the process', I want to know how.  Not only do I want to know how, I want to know how it felt, looked, sounded, etc.  Put me in Zack's position.  My favorite stories are the ones where I am given a clear description of the character's perspective.  

I think you have potential to do really well, straighten up on these four foundational points and you'll go far. 



Author's Response:

thanks,i will try all those tips to make it better

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