Date: June 05 2011 2:52 PM Title: Part I
Hi there Hailie,
I'm surprised this has no reviews yet. It's pretty decent so far and I'm probably going to read more of it soon, although there a few mistakes I found and I hope you don't mind me pointing them out. I also saw the caculations on your profile and I have to say your story makes for a refreshing change from all that extremely poorly written X and R rated stuff. In fact, stories that are PG and G rated, I find tend to be better written, although there some exceptions but I won't name any. I'm very impressed with your math though and surprised you found the time to work all that out but I'm sure it wasn't that hard.
The first error is more structural than spelling or grammer (your spelling seems very good) is obviously that the lines are indented for some reason and this makes it awkward to read as I'm not used it to.
Secondly, you keep switched tenses. "had" and words ending in "ed" are associated with the past tense but then not all words that need to end in "ed". You need to decide if you want present or past tense. In past tense, most verbs and adverbs (doing words; words to do with actions) need to end in "ed".
What I reccomend doing is getting a program called Speakonia. It's free to download and will read aloud what you tell it doing, either by highlighting or copy and pasting. I find it very useful when I'm proofreading and I think you could benefit greatly too. This way you chane anything that doesn't sound right as it is read out and you can always pause it at any time.
Author's Response:
Hey! Thanks for taking the time to write a review! This is actually a repost of a story that I took down a few years ago. I dunno if you were around then but I originally wrote 'The Realm of Kendra' about 3 years ago and took it off the site about a year after I finished it. Now I've been working on reviving the works and I've reuploaded the story to the website. Of course I haven't uploaded the entire thing because I'm working on it, but I find your criticism very constructive!
This version of the story is actually Draft 2 out of 5. 5 being publishable quality while 1 being completely rough draft. The reason it's Draft 2 is because my editor read through it before I released it. I currently have up to Draft 4 on my hard drive and I'm still working on it (I've been working on it for the whole of 3 years or so), although TRoK has taken a back seat to my other story 'The Realm of Melanie', as that one is almost finished.
Once I finish with the final draft there will be more information available on the web about where it is, etc. If you haven't been there already, do check out my first story (as The Realm of Melanie was the first in the series, and The Realm of Kendra is the second in the series).
--TFK