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Reviewer: titanic Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 31 2022 3:14 AM Title: Chapter 1 Rude Awakening

Nice to see you back so quick with a second story. A few random thoughts:

I wonder what Hinba means about having a small piece of Tom. From the way it was described before, it seems like eating a soul is an all or nothing thing, not a gradual process. 

She's as lovely as ever, threatening to murder his coworker. Never a lack of new ways to be sadistic.

“Look, I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t hurt-“ That's a weird thing for Tom to say. He's going to do what she wants regardless. The only thing that ever really let him have any agency was the stone and that's gone now.

Hinba was already hungry at the end of the first story and she still needs to eat. Either some other human is gonna need to enter the picture or this story is gonna have a sad ending. 

I forgot to mention this in my review of the first story, but I wonder if Tom is missing out on an afterlife if his soul gets eaten. That would have provided even more incentive to use the bullet. It's always been a bit fuzzy on what eating a soul really means. The easy assumption is complete oblivion, but I guess there's a chance that Hinba gets to do what she wants with him after, as an afterlife of sorts.

Reviewer: combine45 Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: May 30 2022 7:27 AM Title: Chapter 1 Rude Awakening

Haha glad to see my favorite duo back! 

Already digging the new dynamic a lot. Hinba is a natural sadist and incredible at it. Tom seems to be enjoying it a bit more now too as much as he denies it. 

I feel like this story will be much more unpredictable as we don't have the end game of him being eaten any more. 

I feel like the dynamic of her reading his thoughts keeps him on his toes 24/7 it make even the internal dialog intense.

Reviewer: Greenanon Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: May 30 2022 3:35 AM Title: Chapter 1 Rude Awakening

Interesting to see a continuation here. I'm hoping that Hinba will eventually show some real tenderness with Tom, or some genuine rapport that isn't totally based on fear. It's certainly an interesting premise and world you've created here, so I'll be watching!



Author's Response:

Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh buddy.... 

Reviewer: idunnow Signed [Report This]
Date: May 30 2022 3:21 AM Title: Chapter 1 Rude Awakening

Sentence and paragraph structure already show a marked improvement form what I read of the first story, so props for that. That said, they still flow a little awkwardly. I'll limit my focus to the paragraph where you describe Hinba and try to offer some pointers. (Again, though I'm trying to be objective, some of what I say may only be my own stylistic preferences.)

She was approximately 90 feet tall, and her skin was a dark red. She wore her standard leather skirt and top that looked more like armor than streetwear. Her two horns hugged the top of her head and pointed forwards. They were a pale purple color that matched her eyes and she had white hair that just barely grazed her shoulders.

Right off the bat, "approximately" is a poor word choice in this context. It's too cold and analytical, like he's consciously trying to make an accurate estimate of her height, which doesn't fit the mood. I would write it as something more like, "She was some 90 feet tall."

"Standard" is a similarly questionable word choice. For her skirt and top to be "standard" they would have to match up to some standard of what they should look like; for instance, you can describe a soldier's military uniform as "standard" because it looks the same as all troop uniforms in that army are supposed to look.

If I'm not mistaken, what you're trying to communicate here is that the skirt and top are the same ones she always wears, in which case "her usual leather skirt and top" would be a better phrasing.

The rest of the paragraph is perfectly fine on a technical level, but it's too sterile; you're practically just listing off her physical traits without any distinct narrative voice. "She was 90 feet tall. She had red skin. She wore a leather skirt and a top. She had purple horns." I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the idea; it may be an accurate description, but it's not interesting to read. This also applies to most of your other descriptions.

I can't really tell you what makes for a good description, but a writing exercise proposed by John Gardner sprang to mind as I was writing this: "Describe a barn as seen by a man whose son has just been killed in a war. Do not mention the son, or war, or death."

By which I'm not necessarily saying that you should try doing that exercise; I'm mainly bringing it up so you might understand one of the things that a good description can accomplish.

Lastly, I'd also point out that, since you're clearly writing this story with the expectation that everyone reading it should have read the previous one already, meaning they would already know what Hinba looks like, and since Tom also already knows what she looks like so he wouldn't be paying that much attention to it, dedicating a whole paragraph to a description of her was probably unnecessary. It would have been more elegant to intersperse the descriptions throughout the rest of the story, mentioning each physical trait only when it is relevant instead of dumping them all into one paragraph.



Author's Response:

I want to thank you again for the constructive criticism. I really can tell that you put a lot of thought into it and it's worth it's weight in gold. The only thing that I recoil against would be dedicating time to go over her appearance again. I did that more as a personal exercise, to try describing her another way, but I see what your saying. It's a learning experience and I really appreciate your time and candor, though I never got around to replying to your other comment I did read and reread it several times. Look forward to hearing your thought on the later chapters. 

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