[Report This]Date: June 14 2022 3:21 AM Title: Part Two
Firstly, I do not wish to get all political; but your story mirrors much of the political / social upheaval happening in America today.
The political elite in your story seem to resemble the intellectual / progressive / liberal / educational / socialist / socialist democratic / Marxist / pro big government elite of today's left wing who believe in conformity to the state over individualism.
Cytalis seems to resemble the moderate right wing / libertarian / conservatives who believe in individual meritocracy.
That said, even Ro Danest practices the rewards of individual accomplishments.
Beyond politics, or better said perhaps within the realm of politics, Cytalis appears to be in a position to dictate future government policies by virtue of being "Goddess" to the lead "insect". Will Cytalis use her status as a "Goddess" to dictate what her personal head of government "insect" sets as a public agenda? Or will her personal "insect" simply give up life as a government official to serve his "Goddess"?
One criticism, your use of archaic and big, ten dollar words. Though you use them appropriately, if a reader has to stop reading and look up definitions it takes away from the story flow. We all know a word or two that other people are not aware of, so using them is not impressive and draws away from the intended audience.
I once asked somebody a question using a bunch of big, ten dollar words, and they just looked at me and responded with "What?". That simple one word response showed me to be a pompous idiot. I never forgot it. That one uncomplicated word put me in my place. I realized I failed to communicate with the person I was talking with and came upon them as both pompous and ineffectual.
The well known "Dick and Jane" style used by such
great writers as Ernest Hemingway {average word length, four words} is
often more effective in conveying imagery and context than any supposedly "sophisticated" nouns, pronouns, or adjectives.
Author's Response:
Thank you very much for your feedback. I greatly appreciate the time and thought you put into your review.
The story is intentionally and explicitly political. It would be a greater concern to me if you did not note the story's politics, so "getting all political" is perfectly appropriate here. I'm glad you noted the anarchist subtext.
However, I feel that you have it the wrong way round. For me, Danest represents bourgeois individualism, capital and aristocracy. Cytalis represents the proletariat, barely scraping by under the grinding wheel of capital and state.
Far be it from me to tell readers how to interpret my work. Nevertheless, I am not from the United States. The story's politics are founded largely on the political culture of my country. It was not intended as a commentary on the US left and right, but rather on the class struggle and injustice I see here.
Still, when a work is out in the world it becomes yours as much as mine. That just personally wasn't what I had in mind.
Per your critique of my writing style, I genuinely appreciate your honesty. I'm not sure that I agree that there is any one writing style that is "right". Personally, I find Hemingway's prose exceedingly dull. All the same, my writing should not alienate the reader.
I accept your constructive criticism in good faith. I do sometimes pepper text with, as you say, "ten dollar words" that can interrupt enjoyment of the work.
I would like to stress, however, that my writing style is in no way intended to affect a superiority I do not possess. I don't write that way because I feel that I am better or smarter than you, or anyone for that matter. I apologise if my work reads as pompous. It's never my intention to make anyone feel stupid.
I write this way because I think it's pretty, and it resembles the prose I enjoy reading. Nevertheless, you do have a point. I will take your criticism on board in earnest, and try to be more sparing with the "ten dollar words".
Once again, thank you for your well-thought-out response. I appreciate the feedback. I sincerely hope you enjoy the third and final part when it comes out.