WRESTLEMANIA '99
Lady Lisa vs The Mole
By The Mole
Part 01 (The Preview)
Lisa is taking some quality time at home with her pets…
"So what do we know about this Mole Man then?" Lisa asked, shifting slightly in her armchair as she listened to Bohemian Rhapsody by the Masked Collager Five, a mug of tea in her hand. "Are you sure he's not related to Mighty Mouse? I'm not sure I could go through that again. Well, not in public…"
"No… No relation that I know of," replied Tess.
"All these rodents… It gets difficult to remember who's who."
"Moles aren't rodents," came a small voice from below Lisa's feet.
She looked down at where ISM lay squirming beneath her left foot. At the same time Number 10 was wriggling beneath her right foot. It had been a long day and two tiny men beat any foot massager on the market.
"Who asked you?" Lisa growled irritably. "Another word out of you and you're burger relish!"
"Where is Mighty Mouse anyway?" asked Tess. He normally wasn't far from Lisa's side.
"Oh, he's safe enough," Lisa lifted her mini-skirt for a moment and indicated down toward her panties. "He's been bad again. He put two sugars in my tea."
"And that's how you punish him, is it?"
"I think so. He's so small I can't make out the look on his face."
"Then why do it?" Tess asked naively.
"It… eh… has its compensations…" Lisa explained vaguely, then changed the subject. "So what else do we know?"
"He's British, and lives in London," Tess continued.
"And the Mole bit?"
"He's got really bad eyesight. Apparently he…"
"NO! I don't want to know!" Lisa jumped, her feet rising in the air. Before they came crashing down again ISM and Number 10 scampered away to safety.
"… watches too much television…" Tess trailed off, giving Lisa a befuddled look.
"Oh… I… eh… thought it might be something else." Lisa looked sheepishly back at Tess. "Never mind. Anything else."
"Well. It would appear he's not too bright."
"No?"
"No."
"Why's that?"
"Well…" Tess looked uncertain on how best to continue. "Well, apparently ISM sold him an anti-shrinking potion…"
"Did he…? And…?" Lisa prompted.
"He's been telling everyone that if you can't shrink him he can beat you, seeing as he's almost six feet tall and over 200lbs."
"But I'm a giantess," Lisa replied, confused. "I can be any size I want. Doesn't he know that?"
"Apparently not."
"Hasn't anyone told him?"
"No. They think it'll spoil the surprise," Tess explained. "Well, that and he's taking some huge bets on himself to win."
"I see. Anything else."
"He wants the fight held at Wembley Stadium. I thought you'd like that so I've booked it already."
"Fine, fine," Lisa nodded vaguely, a worried expression on her face.
"What's the matter?" It was unlike Lisa to look worried before a fight.
"What am I going to wear?" Lisa turned to Tess for ideas. "You know how difficult it is to get dresses in size 225 feet. And I want to look my best."
"Ah. Yes." Then Tess had an idea. "How about that new silver outfit you were telling me about last week?"
"I was saving that for a special occasion."
"Wembley Stadium… National television… Isn't that special enough." Tess held up her hands in disbelief. "Anyway, you never did tell me where you got it."
"Didn't I?" Lisa smiled. "It was a present from a dear little fellow I met a couple of months ago. I was paddling in the Thames when his little boat came along. He got very close to Tower Bridge and they never opened it for him… So I did!"
"You didn't!"
"I did! Well I couldn't let him hit it, could I? So I reached down and opened up the bridge by hand. Although I could have lifted the boat over the bridge… Could have been a nasty accident that. Good job I was there."
"You don't think that a 200 feet plus giantess paddling by the Thames had anything to do with why the guys in the bridge weren't concentrating on their job in the first place?"
"No," Lisa smiled sweetly. "Why should it?"
Tess couldn't be sure if she was being toyed with or not, so she let it go. "Never mind."
"Turns out he's worth a packet. He had the outfit made for me to say thankyou." Lisa looked thoughtful for a moment. "And I might go blonde for a change."
"Really!"
"Yes really. Anything wrong with that?"
"No, no…" Tess looked down at her notepad. "Just one more thing. Kermit can't be at the fight."
"No!" Lisa was bitterly disappointed.
"He's got an extra job and won't be available again until next month."
"Hey! Where's those biscuits we ordered with our tea!" Lisa turned away toward the kitchen to hide her disappointment.
Moments later over a dozen tiny men entered the room. Each one held a huge (To them) biscuit above their heads as if to keep off the rain.
Tess smiled. It reminded her of a Tom & Jerry cartoon she saw once where an army of ants carried away a picnic…
"Oh and Tess," Lisa mused, "Remind me to have words with Inchy when he comes
back."
Part 02 (Wembley Stadium)
The day of the big… fight?
Behold a city… A huge 600 square-mile sprawling metropolis, home to more than
six and a half million people.
But wait… Where is everyone? The streets are deserted… Not a single car moves across the city's normally choked roads… Not a train, or bus or taxi stirs…
The entire population is either huddled around their television sets or providing a capacity crowd at Wembley Stadium. For this afternoon the city of London plays host to the BIGGEST wrestling match of all time! The beautiful auburn giantess Lady Lisa is fighting her latest challenger and local boy, The Mole.
COMPERE: The fight is being brought to you by live by the Giantess Shrine and the BBC. Your commentators are Mr Sean Connery and Mr Hugh Grant.
SEAN: Yesh! No bloody frog to shteel my limel.. my limel…to get in the bloody way.
HUGH (Shifting in his seat slightly): Yes, good evening ladies and gentlemen.
SEAN: 'n' you can shut up, Mr Huge whatever-your-name-ish. I'm shenior man here. Shavvy?
HUGH (Shifting again): Oh, yes quite. I'm, er, totally in your hands…
COMPERE: To give you a giantess-eye view of the action, we have with us this evening Miss Michelle Norkett aboard the Goodyear Blimp! At 6'3", Michelle is a near giantess herself! Can you hear me Michelle?
MICHELLE: Yes. Hello everyone. Well, I'm used to looking down on men, but never like this. I'm now getting a real Lady Lisa's-eye view of you all and I have to say she's one lucky giantess. You all look so small down there.
HUGH (Squirming): Oh… and what do you think of … ah! Lisa's decision to go blonde for this match, Michelle? Oooh!
SEAN (Interrupting): I've got a thing for blondesh… 'though I'm happy to give it to brunettesh as well… or redheadsh.
MICHELLE (Choosing to ignore that remark): It’s a bold move, but I'm sure Lisa's fans will love her just the same.
HUGH (Squirming again): Argh! No sign of the contestants ooooh… coming up?
boom…
Boom…
Boom…
Boom…
Boom…
(The thunderous noise is apparent to everyone as the small airship carrying Michelle Norkett slowly turns in a circle scanning the horizon for a sight of the oncoming giantess)
MICHELLE (Looking out of the cabin at the enormous pink expanse that fills her view): Oh my God! You've never seen…! She must be…! Go up, up! Get above her!
(It takes some time for the airship to climb up past Lisa's stomach, past two silver-encased breasts that dwarf even the airship itself, and finally past her smiling, jovial-face, framed by the golden waterfall that is her hair)
(Lisa steps carefully over a row of tiny buildings that lie between her and the stadium and a short step later she stands in the centre of the stadium's playing field. One immense foot crashes down onto the wrestling ring erected there, covering and obliterating it totally… and without trace)
('Another One Bites The Dust' roars out of the stadium's speakers as Lisa makes her dramatic entry. She looks down at the wildly cheering crowds and begins to blow them kisses)
SEAN (Eyes wide, and dropping his glass with a crash): Oh no! It's not poshible!
HUGH (Eyes tight shut and with a tight grip on the arms of his chair): Oh yes! YES!
('We Are The Champions' replaces the previous Queen track to herald the arrival of the contender, and Lisa looks down for a first look at her opponent… and looks… and looks…)
LISA (Gazing down at the tiny stadium around her feet): Well! Where are you, Moley? I'm all ready and waiting for ya… Come on, give me your best shot.
(The sound of 'We Are The Champions' fades away, and still the latest contender had not put in an appearance. Liz Hurley stands up from below Hugh Grant's desk, as his head flops back moaning)
LIZ: You see. That's how its done properly… (Then she turns toward the window and looks up, and up, and…). Oh, she's… here… Wowww!
SEAN (Noticing Liz for the first time): Wow! Where did you shpring from, young lady?
LIZ: Just reminding my boyfriend of a little lesson that's all. Wow, she is big, isn't she?
SEAN: Oh, shize dusn't matter (Looks down for a moment). It really dusn't… Wudn't bovver me… I could take her on wiv one hand tied behind my back. Why, wiv an Aston Martin 'n' a case full o' money I've…
LIZ (Pushing the dazed and maniacally smiling Hugh out of his seat and taking his place): Thankyou Sean…! Do you think he's coming?
SEAN (Looking down at Hugh): Wot again?
LIZ (Looking cross): No! This Mole person. He seems to be taking his time… I think he's turned chicken.
SEAN (Confused): Sho, he wus a Mole. Now he's a chicken…
LIZ: Shut up! (Then turns to the microphone) Michelle. Liz Hurley here. I think The Mole's run away. But Sean's willing to take his place…
(The small airship carrying Michelle Norkett flies over to a spot beside Lisa's ear, and a loudhailer extends from beneath)
MICHELLE: Hello, Lisa. Michelle here. It appears you've been stood up. The Mole's run off.
LISA (Looking very annoyed): WHAT? No one stands me up! No one! I stand up other people. Sometimes I stand up on other people! But no one stands me up! It took me hours to get Number 10 to get my hair just right. And the Masked Collager did a wonderful job on my nails. No! I'm not having this…
MICHELLE: Er… and the stadium wants to know who's paying for all this…
(Lisa reaches out and grasps the airship in one hand as if it were a small balloon, threatening to pop it with her overwhelming strength, even without meaning to)
LISA (Even more annoyed): Tell them they'll have to wait. Otherwise I'll demolish their twin towers for them early - like at the next board meeting! Now someone! FIND ME THAT MOLE!
MYSTERY VOICE: I'll find him, your Ladyship!
(All eyes turn to the previously silent pilot of the airship)
LISA: Alex Zander!!!
MICHELLE The Phantom Knight!!!
ISM (With Antman and Number 10, down amongst the crowd): Alex Startfighter…
NUMBER 10: Don't you mean Starfighter?
ISM: I know what I mean…
ALEX: The three and only! Fear not, Lady. I shall find this rogue. For he is in league with mine enemies… (The Phantom Knight concentrates for a moment)
SLAP!
ISM: What did you do that for?
NUMBER 10: I don't know. It just happened…
(The Phantom Knights skillfully banks the airship around and flies off toward the stadium car park, the lovely Michelle forced along for the ride. As Alex expects, there is a single car exiting the car park at a fast pace…)
ALEX: I see him. Wait a moment… this thing isn't as nimble as my T-65… He's heading into the city…
LISA: Stay with him! I'm coming!
LIZ: Hello Lisa! Do you want me to send Sean into the ring? You'd better go and get ready Sean, just in case. It's a good job you volunteered to stand in… Sean…? Sean…?
(Liz looks round at the empty seat beside her)
Part 03 (The City Of London)
The chase is on…
Chapter 01
The Pursuit Begins
The Phantom Knight skillfully banked the airship around and flew off toward the stadium car park, the lovely Michelle forced along for the ride. As Alex expected, there was a single car exiting the car park at a fast pace…
"I see him!" Alex called through his microphone as he accelerated the silver airship to a speed where it could keep pace with the fleeing car. "Wait a moment… this thing isn't as nimble as my T-65… He's heading into the city."
"Stay with him!" The lovely Lisa turned to follow the tiny balloon floating before her. "I'm coming!" She barely noticed Liz Hurley's voice calling out of its speakers. What was she going on about? Sean Connery won't come out of the toilets…?
Alex could barely keep pace with the silver motorcar as it raced through the empty streets of London. Perhaps… He tried to concentrate on the car below…
"Heh, heh, heh…" laughed the unseen figure driving the car. "Your mind powers will not work on me, boy." And he accelerated away still faster.
"Oh! Goodness!" cried several hundred feet of blonde fury as she carefully tried to navigate London's narrow streets. "Why do they have to build these roads so narrow? I can hardly put my feet down… Oh, that poor car… I bet Kylia doesn't have this problem. There's so much more room in the States."
Lisa was incredibly angry with 'that Mole Man,' but she had no wish to wreck London finding him - something which would be only too easy for her to do if she wasn't very careful. Fortunately the streets were still deserted, and she was able to make her way cautiously forward - flattening only the occasional empty car or bus with her immense feet.
But the going was painfully slow as Lisa watched her every step with care - one eye on the airship and one on the ground before her. She made better time when she found some train tracks leading down toward Willsden Junction, and almost caught her quarry when he disappeared into the narrow streets of Kensington & Chelsea.
"Ah!" Lisa cried when she saw the wide open spaces of a park before her.
"That's more like it!"
Chapter 02
At The Park
boom…
"It this allowed?" asked Bob.
"Is wot allowed?" answered Bob, his superior.
Boom…
"Er… taking Nellie 'ere for walks…" offered the first Bob. "Outside the zoo."
"Oh, yer…" the second replied. "Very important to elephants is yer walks…"
Boom…
"Don't she, like, get a bit worried?" The first Bob ventured. "You know. Strange places. That sort of fing…?"
"Listen mate," Bob looked at his junior with a patient but pained expression. " Nelly 'ere is your gen-u-ine African Elephant - the biggest land animal in the world. And he ain't scared o'nuffin, see, 'ceptin anuvver elephant wiv bigger tusks. An' the zoo's only just across the park, anyway. Right?"
Boom…
"Right Bob," Bob considered himself told, but couldn't stop himself asking what he hoped wasn't another stupid question. "Only if Nellie 'ere ain't scared, why's she, sorry he, just run off down that 'ill?"
Bob (Senior in case you've lost track at this point…) looked behind him at the rapidly retreating elephant. "Wot the…£$!% ?"
Boom…
Both Bobs were thrown violently into the air as a plane, meteor or maybe even the Moon thundered into the earth about twenty feet away.
They hit the ground again with a bump, and as quickly as they could got to their feet to look at the pink skyscraper that had suddenly embedded itself in the middle of Regent's Park. "What the £$!% ?" Bob Senior repeated, colourfully.
Then their gazes slowly travelled up the huge structure until they met the huge pretty face that beamed down at them.
"Oops! Sorry." The face looked embarrassed. "Didn't see you little guys down there until the last moment. "Will your little elephant be all right?"
"Arrgghhhh!" Both Bobs cried simultaneously, turned, and ran for their very lives.
"Well, really!" Lisa huffed. "How rude!"
Lisa felt guilty about leaving the poor elephant stampeding through the park, so despite her hurry she took a moment to find it by the boating lake and pick it up gently between her thumb and forefinger. Lifting it up into the sky, she used her other hand to shield the frightened creature's eyes as she carried it back a few steps to London Zoo. There, she reached down and deposited it in an enclosure.
Moments later, Lisa was taking strides that were measured in fractions of a mile southeast toward the Thames. 'Damn!' she thought. 'He's getting further away.'
When the Bobs finally stopped running they stopped and turned around to view the scene before them. There were several huge footprint-shaped depressions in the earth around the park. One, near the zoo, was rapidly filling with water from a burst pipe.
"Well, there's one good fing come out o' all this," the younger Bob stared blankly.
The older Bob gave him one of those 'you're gonna get a fick ear in a minute' expressions he reserved for when the younger Bob said something particularly stupid.
"At least we've got that new pool for the penguins now…" Bob Junior said looking at the rapidly flooding ditch.
Bob Senior gave him the thick ear he thought Bob Junior so richly deserved.
Chapter 03
A Little Self-Indulgence
Looking ahead, Lisa could still see the tiny airship some way in front of her,
but it was slowing down. 'Something must be delaying the Mole's escape,' she
thought. 'The river! He must be trying to find a place to cross the Thames!'
"Hah!" Lisa cried with joy. "Now I've got you!"
But as Lisa made her way to the riverbank, she saw Alex pilot the blimp across it. 'Damn!' she thought. 'He's across!'
Lisa arrived at the bank of the Thames beside Westminster Bridge and the Houses Of Parliament. She was just about to cross the river, when out of the corner of her eye she saw two Jaguars parked in the House Of Commons car park. She knew she shouldn't, but couldn't stop herself…
She reached out with her left foot toward the two cars and slowly pressed it down upon them. The cars were dwarfed by the size of Lisa's foot, hidden completely from view. First the roofs caved in, glass from the windows shattering suddenly. The tyres compressed and burst as the car bonnets bent and buckled. Finally the cars were no more than tinfoil below the unimaginable weight of Lisa's foot.
"Hah!" Lisa laughed. "Now you can suffer public transport like the rest of us!"
(A little bit of politics there, ladies & gentlemen! If you're not familiar with British politics you won't get the joke, but don't worry… it wasn't funny)
Not wanting to lose any more time, Lisa stepped off the embankment into the
Thames. Seeing Alex turn the airship south, she turned and waded upstream and
stepped over Lambeth Bridge before crossing to the south bank.
Chapter 04
Crash!
"Lisa's never going to catch this guy all the time she's held up in the city,"
Alex Starfighter called back to the amazonian Michelle Norkett who sat behind
him, hanging on for dear life to the back of his seat. "Damn, he's fast!
We've got to stop him before Lisa accidentally does some real damage…"
"You're kidding!" called Michelle. "We can't do anything."
"We have to!" Alex was determined. "If Lisa trips over, she could wipe out a whole neighbourhood. Anyway, I have an idea!"
"Oh, no…" Michelle was heard to moan.
The Phantom Knight waited for his moment. While the Mole's car had to swerve round several corners, Alex flew straight over any obstructions before losing height to settle down in front of him.
The Mole was pretty shocked when he turned a corner to find an airship blocking the end of the road. There didn't appear to be any side turnings and going back was unthinkable. There was no telling what Lisa might do to him. He could only go on…
"Climb! Climb!" called Michelle as the car hurtled toward them.
But instead, Alex accelerated the airship forwards, the sides of the airbag dangerously close to the walls of the surrounding buildings. At one point Alex thought he felt a bump and it made him very nervous. What was he thinking? There was no way he could do this! He was just about to pull up and let the car pass below when a familiar voice passed through his mind as if in a dream. It spoke with in a most reassuring tone of voice, completely calm.
"Use the Force, Alex," it said. "Let go…"
With renewed resolve, Alex closed his eyes and pushed the airship onwards, relying on the mystical Force to guide him. Moments later he was thrown forward into his seatbelt from the force of the collision.
Fear of Lisa stopped the Mole from backing off from the inevitable collision and his car crashed into the control section of the airship at an angle, bounced off it, went up the pavement and finally rammed into a building. The bonnet absorbed most of the impact, but the engine was ruined.
The airship fared little better. Its control section was wrecked down the
left hand side, fortunately doing no damage to its two passengers. It wouldn't
fly again, but it had done its job. It had stopped the Mole. Lisa would catch
him now.
Chapter 05
"Now, I've Got You!"
Slightly stunned, the Mole climbed out of his car…
boom…
Boom…
Oh Lord! That could only be Lisa. Where could he run to? Where could he possibly be safe? Then it came to him! A good mole will always try to seek shelter underground in time of danger… the London Underground. He'd just passed The Oval cricket ground and its underground station!
Boom…
Boom…
He turned back toward the station and stopped dead. Now out of the car, the Mole saw the enormous Lisa for the first time. "My God!" he cried aloud. "I… I don't believe it!"
Lisa towered over the houses. She towered over the offices. She towered over the very skyscrapers themselves. She towered over everything! He'd never seen anything so big in all his life.
It took every ounce of his courage but the Mole actually turned and ran toward the enormous booming footsteps… Toward what he hoped was sanctuary…
There it was! Oval Underground Station! 'What a lovely, lovely building!' the Mole thought to himself as he ran the last hundred yards.
Boom…
The Mole stopped just short of the station and looked up, paralysed from the waist down with fear. 'No… NO! She couldn't be…' If Lisa had looked big before, now she looked… words failed him.
Lisa stood behind the station, looking down at him. A huge triumphant grin spread across her face as she saw he quarry far, far below her. She couldn't make out much. The little rat was far too small to make out properly. 'Well, that's him,' Lisa thought to herself. 'That's the little rodent that's caused all this trouble. Well, no more…'
The Mole still couldn't move. His mind just couldn't cope with what he saw above him. She just couldn't be that big. Whatever persuaded him to challenge her in the first place? Why had he done it?
Then Lisa began to reach down for him. "Oh, you're going to regret this," she called down to him. The Mole's knees began to buckle. Sheer terror swept through him.
But then some deep-rooted survival instinct kicked-in and he began to run. He ran like a man possessed, faster than he'd ever run before. Somehow he passed beneath Lisa's fingers and entered the Underground station.
But he didn't stop there. The Mole leapt over the unmanned barrier and ran down to the safety of the platform area.
But there were no trains running. Everything had stopped in honour of the fight… his fight. He almost laughed. The one he'd been so sure he'd win. Why hadn't anyone told him that Lisa could increase her size.
The Mole sat down and held his head in his hands. "What shall I do now?" he
asked himself.
Part 04 (A Seasonal Ending)
Either it’s a Christmas story, or I'm gonna get eaten…
"Well?" demanded Lisa, tapping her foot a little too close to ISM for
comfort. "Ready, everyone?"
Below her, assembled on The Oval cricket pitch, was Lisa's private army - ISM, The Phantom Knight, Number 10, Mighty Mouse, Canuck, The Masked Collager, Antman, and a host of others. They were lined up smartly like toy soldiers at her feet, and they were all keeping silent. Many appeared to be inspecting their shoelaces very intently. Certainly no one was looking up.
Grildrig scuttled out of the stands and tried to shuffle nonchalantly into line without being noticed. Forgetting he was full-sized, he even appeared to try to hide behind the stumps at one point.
"Right, now you're all here…" Lisa tapped her foot still harder, and ISM started to back away nervously. "…we can get on with it. Did I say you could move, Inchy?" ISM quickly fell back into line and began examining his boots again, this time with his eyes tight shut.
"Now, I want you to go in there and bring him out," Lisa instructed, pointing toward the Underground station.
There was a general murmuring of discontent from below.
"What was that?" Lisa growled.
"Yaaay!" cried Number 10, trying to whip up some enthusiasm amongst the others.
"Woo! Woo!" Antman thrust his fist in the air.
"Let's get him!" ISM joined in.
"Wahey…" Grildrig felt something was expected of him. Then he leaned toward Canuck and whispered. "…er… who are we getting?"
"We's gooin ta git tha moole," Canuck replied helpfully.
"Ah… right… thankyou…" Grildrig turned to Mighty Mouse. "Who are we getting?"
"So!" Lisa put a stop to the conversation. "Get going, midgets, and will someone please tell Grildrig what's going on."
Moments later, Lisa's tiny army filed away towards the stands and the exits. The lovely giantess waited until she was sure they'd all left before stepping over the stands herself. Behind her, the head groundsman looked at the huge six-foot deep footprints that covered his lovely green pitch and wept.
"So, who's going first?" asked Mighty Mouse at the entrance to the station.
"Er… well… that's a good question," Antman admitted.
"I believe that I should have that honour!" The Phantom Knight stepped proudly forward. "Unless anyone objects?"
There was a loud chorus of agreement from his fellow troopers and Alex Starfighter was almost pushed bodily to the front of the line.
With the power now switched off, the way was dark, and Alex lit his lightsabre for illumination. One by one he and his comrades entered the building and made their way further and further down inside the station. His right side was brightly lit by the Jedi weapon in his hand. The left was shrouded in shadow.
"Hey, Startfighter!" came a voice from behind. "I can see your dark side!"
Alex turned to see who the insolent person was. He closed his eyes momentarily and reached out with his mind.
SLAP!
"How does he know!" ISM grumbled as he rubbed his cheek and gave The Masked Collager a pained look.
They progressed on, silently now. Several minutes later they reached the last platform and found… nothing. The Mole had gone, probably down one of the tunnels.
"Oh, shi… shoot… Who's gonna tell Lisa?" The Masked Collager groaned, and the assembled band all found their shoes remarkably interesting once again. "Well, I'm not doing it. You all saw what she did to Antman after he told her lipstick prices had gone up…"
"I'll do it!" Mighty Mouse thrust his hand in the air.
"You disgust me!" Antman grimaced.
"I'd rather go down those tunnels after him," The Masked Collager walked over to the end of the platform, apparently oblivious the others. "What the…!" He could have sworn he heard the sound of horses galloping in the tunnel!
At that moment, having limited faith in her tiny army, Lady Lisa was patroling the city streets, looking for signs of anyone exiting from one of the Underground tunnels. She'd lost her bearings a little but was in East London somewhere when a multi-coloured blur shot up from one of the tunnels beside her.
With agility worthy of any wicket keeper, Lisa stretched out her right arm and snatched the object out of the sky one-handed. Whatever it was, the object was feisty. It bounced around inside her fist for some time, trying to escape, before it settled down.
When the object had quietened down significantly, Lisa risked opening her hand a little. In utter disbelief, she took a huge intake of breath. Lisa's already generous 38D chest swelled considerably, attracting a great deal of interest from the onlookers assembled at the windows of the Canary Wharf tower.
Visibly shaken, Lisa felt her knees weaken and she leant backwards, gently resting the back of her calves against a nearby building to steady herself. She blinked, and then blinked again. Then she took a closer look at the object stood in her palm.
It was a strange design of wooden cart, with skis instead of wheels; being driven by a fat man dressed in red and white. A short co-driver dressed in green sat on his left, and behind them the cart was loaded with sacks and boxes. Most remarkably, the cart was harnessed to - and Lisa blinked again, just to be sure - several deer.
"I don't believe it," Lisa gasped.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" cried the fat man. "Merry Christmas, Lisa!"
"H… how do you know my name?" she asked as she examined the driver more closely.
"Oh, I know the names of all the good… er… little girls and boys," the tiny red and white figure explained, "Besides, there aren't many young ladies that could use the Millennium Dome as a footstool."
"Father Christmas… Santa?" Lisa gasped again.
"Who did you expect?" Santa laughed as he climbed down from the sleigh and walked across Lisa's hand toward her. "The Tooth Fairy?"
"B… but…" Lisa was at a loss for words. "… and you've got a little elf with you…"
"Elf, she says!" Santa turned toward his co-driver, laughing almost uncontrollably. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Did you hear that, Kermit?"
"Kermit?" Lisa brought her hand up closer to her face so she could take a closer look at the little green figure. "Kermie! Is that you?"
"Hi Lisa. This is the Winter job I told Tess about," Kermit explained. "I help Santa at the workshop and with some of the deliveries. We're out on a practice run at the moment, going over some of the routes. We use the Underground to stay out of sight."
"But I thought you had little elves for that?" Lisa turned back toward Father Christmas.
"Elves! Elves, she says!" Santa laughed again and glanced back at Kermit. "Ho! Ho! Ho! She believes in elves! Fancy believing in… Ho! Ho! Ho! No, my dear, there are no such things as elves. No, I use frogs… three foot tall talking frogs. Elves, indeed! Whoever heard the like? Ho! Ho! Ho!"
"Frogs…" Secretly Lisa was a little disappointed. As much as she liked Kermit, the idea of talking frogs just wasn't as romantic as elves.
"Now," Santa continued. "We really should be getting along. Lot to do at this time of year, don't ya know."
"So we ought to Go! Go! Go!" Kermit grinned mischievously.
"Kermit," Santa turned back toward the chuckling frog. "Please. I've asked you before not to make fun."
"Doh! Doh! Doh!" Kermit laughed even more loudly.
"Oh, I give up," Santa muttered, climbing back aboard his sleigh and taking up the reins.
"I'm sorry if I… er… held you up…" Lisa apologised. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No! No! No!" Santa replied, sparking another bout of mirth from Kermit. "We can manage."
"Well, goodbye then," Lisa gave them a weak smile, still a little stunned. Then she held her hand up, palm straight, to allow the sleigh to take off.
It was then that she noticed one of the sacks on the back of the sleigh move…
"Just what have you got in those sacks?" Lisa asked, bringing her hand back down to take a closer look.
"Oh, just toys," Santa explained. "Toy cars, dolls, games - that sort of thing."
"Yo! Yo! Yo!s" Kermit added with a snigger, only to receive a sudden glare from Santa.
"Why's that one moving?" Lisa asked. "The one at the back, by the stripey box."
Father Christmas got out of his seat, walked to the back of the sleigh and untied the sack in question. "By Jove! A stowaway!"
The top of the sack fell open to reveal a well-built man in his mid-thirties. He wore glasses the size of milk bottles and a very sheepish expression.
"Oh… er… hello Lisa," he muttered in a poor attempt at sounding cheerful. "Fancy… er… bumping into you here."
"You!" and then Lisa's huge mouth formed into a grin as wicked as Santa had ever seen, causing him to shudder. "Well, well, well… Hello, Moley. I've been looking for you."
"Oh… er… have you?" The Mole responded weakly. "You should have said…"
"Just a small matter of Wembley Stadium fees, about fifty grand in gambling debts and standing me up!" The Mole, Santa and Kermit all covered their ears as Lisa thundered out the last four words.
"Oh, ah, I'm glad you, er, mentioned that," The Mole fumbled for words. "I, er…"
"I don't want to hear it!" Lisa shouted again. She counted silently to ten before speaking again. "Santa? Do you mind if I borrow this sack?"
"No, not at all."
"Thankyou," Lisa had that wicked grin again as she carefully picked up the sack, Mole and all, between her fingertips. "Now, I'll take care of your stowaway. You needn't worry about him."
"Er… thankyou, Lisa," Santa wasn't sure what Lisa had in mind, and he decided he didn't want to know. He climbed back onto the sleigh and took hold of the reins once again. "Giddy up!"
The reindeer harnessed to the sleigh perked up and run off at a trot along Lisa's hand. As they crossed her middle finger they took off into the air.
"Bye, Lisa!" Kermit waved his little arm.
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Goodbye, Lisa!" Father Christmas waved an arm as the giant beauty blew them a kiss. He quickly retook the reins in both hands as the gale-force wind threatened to blow the sleigh out of control.
"Phew!" Santa turned to Kermit when he thought they were out of earshot. "I wouldn't want to be in that young man's shoes."
"Woe! Woe! Woe!" Kermit agreed, but neither of them laughed.
"Well, now!" Lisa held up the tiny sack containing the Mole. "What am I going to do to you! Let me see… It's Christmas, and you're my tiny present. But Christmas Day isn't until Saturday… Ah ha! I have an idea!"
Lisa's evil grin was replaced by a smile as sweet as sugar, but, looking out of the neck of the sack, The Mole drew little comfort from it - for the glint in her eye was one of pure mischief.
A minute or two later, Lisa entered Trafalgar Square where she found the huge Norwegian Spruce Christmas tree - an annual gift to the British people for their help in the Second World War. Of course to Lisa the giant spruce looked no more than a small houseplant.
With great care, Lisa knelt down and tied the miniature sack containing The Mole to the branches of the tiny tree. Then she stood up to her full height and made an announcement.
"I've just tied my favourite Christmas present to this tree!" she called loud enough for all of London to hear her. "I expect it to be here when I come back to collect it Christmas morning! If it isn't… Let's just say I wouldn't be very pleased!"
Lisa knelt down beside the little tree once again. "I'll send some of my little guys over to keep an eye on you, Moley," she whispered to the tiny sack swaying in the branches. "And then you're going to find out what I did to Antman one time when…"
Suddenly distracted, Lisa's voice dropped and her eyes glazed over. Momentarily she forgot all about her little captive and concentrated on something far more immediately interesting. Silently, she reached forward and grasped the centre of Nelson's Column in her right hand.
"Ooooh!" Lisa grinned happily as she began to suggestively slide her hand up and down the famous landmark. "Look what I've found!"
"Catch you later, Moley!" Lisa laughed as she ripped the entire column out of the ground with one hand. "Horatio and I are going to get… acquainted. I'll bring him back when I collect you on Saturday! Bye!"
What condition will Nelson's Column be in when Lisa returns it on Christmas morning?
What does Lisa have planned for Moley?
What will Lisa make of this long-winded four-part epic?
Only Lady Lisa knows…